1. Initiate the conversation

Just because your child is not talking about a tragedy does not mean they are not thinking about it. They may sense your discomfort and not want to upset you by bringing it up, or they may be too overwhelmed by their feelings to express them.

Make time to talk with your child about the traumatic event. During the conversation, talk about what has happened and what is going to happen next. To open up the conversation, you can start with questions like these:

• • How do you feel about what is happening?
  • Are you and your friends talking about what happened?
    I am interested in hearing what you think.

2. Reassure them

Trauma can rattle our child’s sense of safety. One goal of the conversation is to provide them with the reassurance that:

• • things will get better
  • you will be there for them
  • they can ask you questions anytime
  • they are safe, and so are the people they care about.

Your child will likely have questions too. Their questions can give you clues about how your child is feeling and a chance to reassure your child. For example “Yes, the school is still open. You can go to school and see your friends. All your friends are OK’.

3. Handling reminders of the event

Your child might be frightened by reminders of the event, like smoke after a bushfire.

You can explain what is happening and let your child know that it is OK to be afraid. Reassure them that they are safe now. For example, “You’re scared of the smoke because you think it’s coming from a bushfire. It’s smoke from the neighbour’s barbecue. You’re safe”.

It can also help to talk with older children and teenagers about how reminders of the event or its anniversary might make them feel and how they can cope. For example, ‘Grandma’s passing was a tough time for our family last year. How are you feeling this year? “.

4. Use routine

Family routines help children feel safe and secure. That is why they are important to help your child cope with the trauma.

Here are some ways to use routines to support your child:

• • Focus on regular healthy snacks and meals, time for exercise or play outside, and a good night’s sleep. This will help to keep your child’s mind and body healthy as they settle down.
  • Try to get your child to school, if possible. This helps them understand that their safe places and familiar people are still there for them. Let their teachers know what has happened. This will help them support and care for your child.
  • When you feel your child is ready, encourage your child to get back into the things they enjoyed before the trauma, like playing sport or visiting friends. Look for new positive activities that your child might enjoy.

1. Explain what happened

Stay with the facts, reassure your child about what has happened, and help put it in context. If a crime was involved, let them know the police are involved. They will talk to the school, the person(s) involved and their parents.

2. Find out what they know

Your teenager may be feeling confused and need more time to absorb what has happened. A few clarifying questions can help:

• • That’s interesting, can you tell me more about that?
  • What do you mean by…?
  • How long have you been feeling…?

Gently prompt (or summarize where necessary) what you are hearing – “It sounds like what you’re feeling is…”. Clarifications help them think through their thoughts but do be mindful of asking too many questions.

Remember that the key purpose of the conversation is to correct any misconceptions your child may have picked up while at the same time offering more concrete information. Temper your questions by observing the body language and reactions of your teenager.

3. Share what you know

Your child will probably also appreciate hearing about your thoughts or feelings and what you’re doing to cope with them. Sharing them with your teenager can be beneficial, with some caveats.

First, you want to communicate that you can handle whatever it is you’re feeling. We hear it often – Be a role model. This applies to emotions, too. Do keep in mind that your feelings might add to or replace the ones children are already experiencing.

Be mindful you do not simply end up talking over their heads, answering questions that weren’t asked, providing information that isn’t useful. We want to avoid satisfying our need to ‘give’ your child something rather than meeting their need to be heard and understood.

4. Encourage them to share their feelings

If you think your teenager is hiding their feelings, encourage your child to express them. Let them know that what they are feeling will be easier to handle over time.

Teenagers may not want to share their feelings with their parents, preferring to talk to their peers instead. Encourage your teenager to talk with their friends if you feel this is a healthy outlet for your child’s emotions. For teenagers, good friends can be like a personal support group.

4. Keep making time to talk

Even if your teenager does not want to talk now, make sure he knows you’re available to talk anytime. It is especially crucial in the wake of traumatic events.

When your child is ready to do so, stop everything so you can listen and respond. Give them your full attention. Make sure you do not jump to conclusions, judge or minimize what they’re saying – no matter how silly or illogical it may seem. Your ability to listen calmly, even to concerns that may seem unrealistic, communicate that their fears are not too frightening to deal with.

1. Help them feel safe.

Your child will benefit from your touch – extra cuddling, hugs or just a reassuring pat on the back. It gives them a feeling of security, which is essential in the aftermath of a frightening or disturbing event.

Do not discuss your anxieties with your child or when they are around. Be aware of the tone of your voice, as they will pick up on anxiety quickly.

2. Explain what happened.

Pick a good time to talk. Look for natural openings to have a discussion about the event.

It is always best to learn the details of a traumatic event from a safe, trusted adult – you. Be brief and honest, and allow your child to ask questions. Don’t presume kids are worrying about the same things as adults.

3. Limit exposure to news coverage.

It is especially critical with younger school-age children. Seeing disturbing events recounted on TV or in the newspaper or listening to them on the radio can make them seem to be ongoing. Children who believe bad events are temporary can more quickly recover from them.

4. Acknowledge what your child is feeling.

If a child admits to a concern, do not respond, “Oh, don’t be worried,” because they may feel embarrassed or criticised.

Confirm what you hear – “Yes, I can see that you are worried.”

5. It is okay to answer “I don’t know.”

What your child needs most is someone they trust to listen to their questions, accept their feelings, and be there for them. Do not worry about knowing exactly the right thing to say.

As Piglet said to Winnie the Pooh, “It’s okay to feel Not Very Okay At All“.